I have to rely on the little things to keep me going.
Walking into my room that smells like nail polish is very calming.
This life is so weird. Someone experience it for one day and tell me it wouldn’t make an amazing sitcom. Like, no. This isn’t happening. Life cannot get weirder than this. The only thing keeping me going is knowing I’m going to look back and laugh at this insanity one day. Weird, and bad, and wonderful all at the same time.
Anonymous asked: Trans woman? More like man.
observe all the fucks i give about transphobic bottles of expired milk who try to bring down my identity but are too scared to show their own xoxoxoxo
Sucks. This is what purgatory is. That’s where I am now.
When I was a kid I wanted to be anything but normal. Now everything has gotten too insane and won’t slow down. Now the only thing I wish for is for everything to go back to being normal. Sometimes I wish I could go back to the dull haze of ignorance. Sometimes I wish I kept everything buried, left it there to rot in my subconscious. It’s so easy to get discouraged, even when everything is going great. I’m taking my life back but it’s like I’ve never wielded it before. It gets so heavy and sometimes I feel so weak. I’m only trying to be honest with myself and with the people that matter to me. So many people are there for me but they can’t change the ones who turn their backs on me. I’ve only said everything I can, now there’s nothing to say. It’s up to them now. When you live under a boot your entire life it’s easy to gain approval. The second you take hold of your life, the second you bite their heel and struggle to pick yourself up out of the mud everything changes. You become a player. I’m finally a piece on the board. I had to realize I can’t play by others’ rules, that’s not the way I can live any longer. Doing the thing people have been waiting for me to do for years now is the thing everyone is pissed about. Yeah, I’m sorry but I’m not going to live a lie to make you feel better. I’m going to strip away the facade so I can live, dammit. All the people telling me nothing good will come from this have been the only bad part about this time in my life. If you want to continue to feed the negative then don’t get pissed when I say I don’t want to be around you. I respect people I shouldn’t and I get shit for it.
I am a woman. I may not look it. I may not sound it. I think I would be a pretty reliable source when it comes to myself. No one can dictate what I am and what I’m not. No one can tell me what I’ve experienced and what I’ve lied to myself about. Some people are sticking to denial. Like somehow I’m going to back out. For better or worse it’s happening. It’s happening very soon but not soon enough. Soon it’s going to be very hard to deny the truth. I don’t even know why I’m typing. I’m just ranting. This blog has turned into a cry station for me to vent on occasionally. I wish I had the strength to change things. I wish people had the sense to understand others. I feel like I’m physically sick at times. The worst part about everything right now is I can’t take a break from myself. I have to put up with me day in and day out. I’m so tired of everything. I’m in the worst conditions for everything right now. I may have acted somewhat rash but I really can’t take it anymore. I don’t want to end up broken after all of this. I’m really hoping I’m strong enough to do this. I hope I’m strong enough to make things normal.
WTB normal life
This job is very good at making me feel like a useless fuck up.