"I’m strong! Yeah, look at me!" I keep repeating it to myself constantly. Too bad this last time my voice cracks. I angrily squash the stop button on my phone. Small letters read, "voice 001 saved." A girl’s voice chimes back before erupting into the squawk of a man trying too hard. I don’t let it get to me, I’m strong. I have to be. I can’t be. I need a break. It’s all too much. I don’t know how stone faced I can be. I feel like a robot at all times. I’m in this alone. There’s no one here for me when I feel weak. When I feel like I just want to drive a blade through my gut just because of what I’m feeling. It feels like everything is backwards. If I reach out to someone they will hear my voice or even worse, see me. I’m on the wrong side of everything. I just act all day like nothing is wrong. I work alone all day so I get to cry without an audience. When I’m around people I avoid eye contact as if their pupils were stars. I only say what I feel is the least I can say to not be rude. I’m extremely uncomfortable about how people perceive me so I stumble through the act of socializing for quite a while. I’m stranded at all times. The people I’m most comfortable with are on the other side of the country. Some of the people closest to me won’t speak to me. I don’t know why. I just want to have a moment where there’s not something drilling into my brain. A moment of peace. It will never come. The weight of everything pins me down so I can do anything about the weight that’s crushing me. I just have the energy to go to work. If I interact with a lot of people I’m just done for the day when I get home. I just get back and lay down somewhere. Everything is a battle. Any time my eyes are open I’m fighting something. Anxiety. Tears. The urge to replay something that happened days ago over and over until I’ve distorted the memory beyond repair. That crushing reality that you have already lost two decades of your life to this farce. That voice that you know in your head is just right. It screams to move, to be responsible, to be strong. I listen but I don’t move and I don’t know why. It all matters. I won’t say it doesn’t matter. I won’t say I want to die. I’m just so tired. I just want a fucking break.
Why? I’m barely holding everything together. I should feel so much better about everything with all the recent developments. I just want at least one awesome friend I can hang out with. Everybody I’m comfortable around is on the other side of the country. I have zero motivation to do anything and everything I want to do feels like an eternity away from being a possibility. Can someone take over my life for a few weeks? I’ll be taking a thirty day nap.